


Why

by JengaManga



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, F/M, I would write more to it but I'm tired rn so it might be an epilogue, One Shot, Self Harm, Suicide, lemme know, maybe two shot idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-10-19
Packaged: 2018-08-23 08:12:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8320507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JengaManga/pseuds/JengaManga
Summary: Based off my own prompt: "I can't imagine losing you, and when I do, I can't stop crying". Spencer finds out his girlfriend tried to kill herself and they have a very emotional talk.Middle name = (m/n)TW- blood, self harm, mentions of suicide with suicide attempts, angst af (Kinda reflecting life but that's between us)





	

Spencer walked to his girlfriend's house after work, as he usually did if he didn't have a case. Just being near her lifted all of his worries and fears, spreading joy across his face. They've only known each other for a year and have been dating for 7 months, 1 week, 2 days, 20 hours, and 27 seconds, but he felt like he was gonna marry her, to make her (y/n) (m/n) Reid. 

Using his key that (y/n) gave him 3 months ago, he opened the door happily, ready to get some (y/n) cuddles. (Y/n) cuddles consisted of him using her chest as a pillow and talking for hours about anything and everything. It sparked a few arguments but he couldn't stay mad at her for less than 2 hours. 

"(Y/n) dear, I'm home!" He cheered, setting his stuff down on a barstool that went to the island of the kitchen.  
"I was wondering if I could spend the night tonight?" He asked to the echoing house, which gave him the fears and worries he knows he shouldn't be having.  
"(Y-y/n)...?" He stuttered, tip toeing through the house. No clutter, no sign of a struggle. No nothing... Until he found a note...

_Spencer, if you're reading this, then I'm so so sorry I have to leave you like this... I just can't feel anything anymore... For weeks I've been feeling so helpless and alone, and I want it to stop. If I'm dead before you find me, I want you to know how much I love you and that NONE of this was your fault. I love you and goodbye._

_Love, (Y/n)_

_(Ps, I'm in the bathroom...)_

Spencer ran to the bathroom door, not even checking to see if it was locked before he rammed his body into it, knocking it down only to find his worse nightmare. 

The bathtub was full of water, some dripping down to the tiles of the floor... The water was red. It was so red. Over the edge of the tub laid an arm. It was cut up and down along the veins. So much blood.. He trailed his eyes up and saw the pale face of the love of his life, seemingly dead. 

Spencer darted towards her body, almost slipping on the bloody water, and pulled her out of the tub. She was naked, but Spencer could give less of a shit. He felt for a pulse, tears straining his vision, fogging up the image of her cold face. He almost collapse when her pulse was gone, but he wouldn't let it stay that way.

As he preformed CPR, he kept screaming 'why' and 'no' at the top of his lungs, alerting the neighbors to call the police. 

Spencer heard the sirens, but he didn't care, he just kept pushing at her chest, watching as his tears fell onto her lukewarm skin. He felt a pair of arms try to yank him away from her body, but he snapped his arm back, elbowing the guy in the nose. 

Spencer sobbed loudly has he kept pumping her chest, screaming bloody murder when several people now we're dragging him out of the room, taking him away from his lover. 

The next few hours were all a blur. Spencer was detained for assault. The whole time he was set in the holding cell in the back of the station, he punched the walls, painting them red from his knuckles. The same color of red that he saw in the bathroom... 

Everything he saw, it reminded him of her. 

\----

Spencer sat there just crying before Hotch finally bailed him out. 

"She's dead... Isn't she..?" Spencer croaked out as someone cleaned and bandaged his knuckles. He was so numb now. He couldn't feel a thing, but he felt everything. He was so stressed to the point where he looked so calm, but he was really dying inside. 

"No, they were able to save her in time. If you hadn't been there for her, she would have surely passed," Hotch comforted the youngest member of the team the best way he knew how. It made Spencer feel a LOT better, but he was still so stressed out.

"Can I-I see her..?" Spencer hiccuped, eyes glossing over again with joy. 

Hotch nodded and lead Spencer out of there without question from anyone at the police station. Spencer was shaking like a leaf when they went out into the parking lot and into Hotch's personal car. When Spencer hopped out of said car when they got to the hospital, he almost collapsed but was soon able to compose himself before Hotch noticed. He followed the older man as he lead him into the emergency room, not asking the nurses for any help as he lead Spencer directly to his lover's curtained room. 

"I'll leave you two alone, let me know if you need anything. I'll be with the team back at the BAU," Hotch explained, resting his hand on Spencer's shoulder before walking away to leave him in peace.

Spencer felt like he should think over what he was going to say, to gather himself so he wouldn't break down crying in the ER, but in his lovesick mind logic was not an answer. He pulled back the curtain slightly, walking in and closing it behind him to leave them some privacy. He looked over (y/n)'s body, covered in tubes an wires, IV and blood drips on her fluid rack with a portable heart monitor on it. It gave off steady beats, an average heart rate of 70 bpm. She was alive. 

Spencer shakily stepped over to her bed, watching her sleeping form and keeping track of her steady breathing. He let silent tears fall as he held her hands, sitting next to her on the bed. He looked down at her now flushed complexion thanks to the blood transfusions she had been getting. He looked down her arm and saw the heavy bandages around her forearm, straining his eyes with its bright whites. He turned his attention towards her stirring head, (y/n)'s (e/c) eyes dull yet shining. 

"S-Spencer..?" She croaked, holding his hand back as she turned her head up to face him in the eye. 

In that moment, Spencer let out all his emotions out into one simple word: 

"Why?" 

(Y/n) just sat there for a little bit, thinking of how to word her feelings. It should've been easy, seeing as she talked about these issues for years with countless therapists. 

"I just.. I didn't see any reason to live..." She sighed, not having the courage to look him in the eye anymore. 

"Was my love not enough of a reason to live?" Spencer cried, biting his lip to try and stop his tears. 

"N-no, Spencer! That's not it, I-" (y/n) stuttered, cutting herself off as she saw his tears fall. She was quick to rest both her hands on his cheeks, wiping away the tears. He gently wrapped his hands around her hands to keep her closer. 

"I can't imagine losing you, and when I do, I can't stop crying" Spencer started, sniffling hard.  
"If you told me about this then I would've never left you alone..." He continued, looking her deep in her eyes. 

"I know... I just didn't know how to tell you," (y/n) sighed, pulling him closer for a hug. 

"Well I know now. And I'm never letting you go," Spencer stated with promise, pulling back just to kiss (y/n) on her lips. 

"I love you," she smiled, rubbing one of his cheeks with one of her hands. 

"I love you more than life itself," Spencer smiled back, leaning in closer to press his forehead on hers.  
"So much,".

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe I'll add an epilogue  
> ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿ 
> 
> Just a reminder that there is so much involved with this whole this but I was too tired to write all about it so it might be in an epilogue idk lemme know what you think!


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